Now I know that I like her…

Last night’s movie date was probably the highlight of my relationship with this girl I’m crushing on for months now. Despite being just another unremarkable not worth recommending horror movie, I will move mountains and drain oceans just to see that movie. I wouldn’t trade that for anything in this world (unless if it is for God and family emergency). Not even for my sister’s birthday which was last night too. Yes, I skipped my sister’s birthday in the hopes of catching this movie with her. My sister would understand. It was our first movie date together, just the two of us, alone.

And she made it all worthy.

It was just another boring Saturday that made me slacking all day. Any plans I have for the day, including going to the office, were either moved or cancelled. The idleness was further justified when it rained hard in the afternoon. But that change after I received a text message from her confirming to our unplanned rendezvous for the night. My excitement rise and I find myself rejuvenated. I don’t know what gotten into me but I am damn enthusiastic to see her. And so I took my second bath that day and hurriedly fixed myself. All the way from Cavite, I went to Makati just to see her. No other reason to be there but to see her. And that’s more than enough for a reason. I rushed. I have to be quick and be in the mall early before she changes her mind- or before someone else prevents us from seeing each other.

Let me say first that this someone I have been crushing on is currently going out with my best bud in the office. Not really the best of friends, but we’re the last two guys from our batch that have stayed with the firm, so I guess we’re close. We’ve both known this girl years ago but it was only December of last year when we got closer with her.  Actually, at that time, I was more like an accomplice with my best bud’s plan of courting her. But along the way, I have gotten close to this someone and I’ve found myself drawn to her. I even tried to test the water. But as a silent rule among men not to betray each others trust, I have faithfully observed that rule as hard as I can. Then the time came, when my best bud and her go dating on a regular basis and became official boyfriend and girlfriend early March. I kept my distance just to avoid complications but remained friends with the two. I told myself and to others, who are bugging me about my real intentions with this someone, that I wouldn’t let any girl break my friendship with the guy I looked up to as my brother. But that was easier said than done… and when things get thorny, one just cannot help himself with the temptation easily.

The meeting was just a simple movie date between two friends. There was no harm in what we did ‘coz we’re like best friends too. We even call it each other some pet names. But she told me to keep mum about it ‘coz her boyfriend, my best bud, didn’t know about the tryst. According to her, it’s the first time that she didn’t mention her true whereabouts to him. Before the movie, we had dinner first and had some exchanges of thought of how our week was. It was only normal for us to talk about my best bud. I have lived with it but in reality, I’m really sick of that topic. I always wanted to keep him out of the subject when it’s just the two of us. I hate it when she tries to connect my stories with him. But what else can I do? Despite the numerous things we have in common, it’s him we consider our common denominator- my closest friend, her boyfriend.

We proceeded to catch the movie at around 8pm. I admit that I’m a nervous/jumpy guy and I easily get frightened off with anything suspenseful. Like my mom, I have never been a fan of the horror genre. So I was sort of sitting and leaning to my right where she was seated without malice whatsoever. And she was just seated upright. Then I found myself during the first minutes of the movie, scared off like a child. I would literally jump off my seat and occasionally hold her arms because of fright. She didn’t object. And though there were no wickedness in my intention of going out with her and getting close ‘physically’ with her, there’s something about dark and cold places like the movie house that let loose of any man’s flirting intuition. Towards the middle of the movie, it was getting more predictable and less scary (more of getting comic actually). But something in me was telling to put on the stunt of being scared. Then came a time when I realize that our arms were intertwined and I am grabbing her arms tightly and she’s doing the same to me. We were holding hands at one time. I even tried sitting slouchy to lean my head to her shoulder. But it was all innocent for her. I realized that I was crossing the line of our closeness- more of exploiting the circumstances. The last episode of the movie was so predictable to me and so I compose myself and just sit straight there without touching her physically. But it was her turned to get scared. It was her who is holding on to me now and she was like clinging to me tightly. I was reassuring her and my flirting instinct took over me… again. I thought the dark and the cold room of the movie house is starting to affect her too that’s why we found each other cuddling again. I swear people would mistake us as lovers with our actions. The movie ended two hours after. Yet I was still savoring the moment I have with her. I would occasionally gaze at her during the entirety of the movie and tell to myself I should have been his boyfriend. I never expected to feel her skin on mine. She wanted to have a round two of that movie and she doesn’t feel like going out. I wouldn’t want to end the night too. But we snapped back to reality as we found people leaving the area.

me and her

During that moment, I was collecting all my guts to tell her how much I like her and how much I wanted to steal her away from my best bud. There were times I felt that she wanted to hear that thing from me too. I would always mistake our closeness for something else. After all the denials I have told our friends about my true feelings for her, I wanted to take it all back and confess to everyone how much I like her. She was the exception in the type of girls I would fall for. She ‘s actually rewriting my standards. She has become part of my system. Now my heart is always screaming to death to tell the whole world how I really feel about her. But my inferiority complex always ruins my happiness. And my superego would always remind of my morals- to honor the relationship I have with her and my best bud and to not destroy it. Very unlikely, but I’m still trying my best to respect the limits.

We were supposed to go on our separate route. But she asked me to go her way, which is the same way with me too only it is longer. I could’ve have taken one ride home but I decided to join her. We were supposed to take a bus nearby. But I told her we’ll walk to another bus station just so I can stretch the time I have with her. I really never wanted to go home and end the night. I wanted to go somewhere else with her. But I guess the night tired us off and we really have to call it a night. We crossed three roads and I would consciously grab her by her arm, hoping to slide it down to her hand. But it didn’t get that far. And while we’re walking, I would intentionally sway my hand/arm to catch hers. I really wanted to try holding her hands- to know how it feels to be needed and be loved.

But God knows how to put things in perspective and let us not commit mistake.

While we’re on our bus journey, I started hearing her talking about his boyfriend again. She told me that she’s starting to get attached to him deeply and she’s afraid of what it will bring her. She continued telling me her appreciation of him. That broke my heart for the nth time. Those words served as a reminder that I am just a friend to her. It felt like she is drawing the boundaries again. My high hopes gone blurred with the reality. Though she would say that we really have a lot of things in common, it seemed like she was just saying it for the sake of saying it. One thing that we shared in common, according to her, is our immaturity. I disagreed. I admit I’m a bit playful. But emotionally, I know I have grown up. Because if I haven’t, I would have messed up with my best bud and made some moves to steal her away.

Time flies by so fast. We arrived at the bus stop where she has to alight. And though I wasn’t supposed to go down, I went with her. I told her I want to walk her home. But it looked like her conscience troubled her and she told me not to. I told her it was dangerous ‘coz it’s almost midnight and she had her laptop with her. She resisted and she told me that she’ll take another ride home to be safe. I know what she was trying to imply. I didn’t insist anymore.

We were in the same place again months ago where I hugged her and told her to learn to love my best bud. We were on the same place months ago where I categorically denied my feelings for her. But I was wrong. Now I know that I like her, that I really like her, that I might be falling in love with her.

But it was too late.

She took another ride as I thanked her for the company and said my ‘take care’. And while she left, I looked back and followed her as far as my sight can. Then I utter to myself, “Mahal na kita, pare. Akin ka na lang sana” (I love you, pare [pet name]. I hope you were mine).

Last night probably is the best night I have recently. It was short but it was downright momentous. Now, I don’t know what to do with the revive feelings I have for her.

Early today, my family went to hear the Sunday mass. Aside from my usual prayers of adoration, admission and petition, I thank God for that opportunity last night. But I also prayed to Him to let me meet the one He has in stored for me, the one who I will love eternally and will love me back just the same… without hurting anyone in the process, of course. I wanted to utter her name in my prayers. I wanted it to be her. She’s the only one I can think of that time. But I didn’t push for it. I wanted God to provide what is according to His plan. It may be taking Him too long to provide me one, but I know she’ll be worth the wait. I believe.

Besides, she could still be the one, only not now.

Photo credits to balintataw1982.

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About johnthinkingaloud

Finding my purpose still... View all posts by johnthinkingaloud

2 responses to “Now I know that I like her…

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