Category Archives: That four-letter word


By the River Piedra I sat Down and Wept
by Paulo Coelho

Wait. This was the first lesson I learned about love. The day drags along, you make thousands of plans, you imagine every possible conversation, you promise to change your behavior in certain ways – and you feel more and more anxious until your loved one arrives. But by then, you don’t know what to say. The hours of waiting have been transformed into tension, the tension has become fear, and the fear makes you embarrassed about showing affection.


Joy is sometimes a blessing, but it is often a conquest. Our magic moment help us to change and sends us off in search of our dreams. Yes, we are going to suffer, we will have difficult times, and we will experience many disappointments – but all of this is transitory it leaves no permanent mark. And one day we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken.


I could have. What does this phrase mean? At any given moment in our lives, there are certain things that could have happened but didn’t. The magic moments go unrecognized, and then suddenly, the hand of destiny changes everything.


One doesn’t love in order to do what is good or to help or to protect someone. If we act that way, we are perceiving the other as a simple object, and we seeing ourselves as wise and generous persons. This has nothing to do with love. To love is to be in communion with the other and to discover in that other the spark of God.


You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.


Every day, God gives us the sun – and also one moment in which we have the ability to change everything that makes us unhappy. Every day, we try to pretend that we haven’t perceived the moment, that it doesn’t exist – that today is the same as yesterday and will be the same as tomorrow. But if people really pay attention in their everyday lives, they will discover that magic moment. It may arrive in the instant when we are doing something mundane, like putting our front-door key in the lock; it may lie hidden in the quiet that follows the lunch hour or in the thousand and one things that all seems the same to us. But that moment exists – a moment when all the power of the stars becomes a part of us and enables us to perform miracles.


A fall from the third floor hurts as much as a fall from the hundredth. If I have to fall, may it be from a high place.


Love perseveres. It’s men who change.


“I am going to sit here with you by the river. If you go home to sleep, I will sleep in front of your house. And if you go away, I will follow you – until you tell me to go away. Then I’ll leave. But I have to love you for the rest of my life.”

~0~ ~0~ ~0~

Lines above are from the book “By the River Piedra I sat down and wept” by Paulo Coelho, the first love story I ever read. It isn’t even your typical romantic story. It’s a story of a young woman who fell in love with her childhood sweetheart. The problem, however, is the guy is committed- to God that is. He happens to be a spiritual teacher, a clergy in the making. So how does one compete in that situation? Difficult, isn’t it?

It’s the reason why I read the book. I’m quite intrigued how the story will unfold. And despite a love story core, the book isn’t as cheesy as Nicholas Sparks’. It’s more poetic in every way, even the love-making (sex) part. Descriptive and yet poetic.


Txt Msg 5

At some point, you will realize that you have done too much already for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to leave them alone.

Stop. Walk away.

It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination and desperation.

What is really yours would eventually be yours. And what is not, no matter how hard you try will never be.


As if I really have a chance with her…


It would be hypocrisy if I will say that I don’t regret anything while I’m still with the firm. And I don’t think there’s one single person who doesn’t have one after leaving. There will always be something you wished you did or you wish you had, including petty things. I have a lot on my list and most of them come not from the commission but from not doing or having certain things. Of all I have enumerated in my mind, there’s something that floats above everything else- having a girlfriend. Despite falling for some girls twice and liking another, it didn’t deepen (at least on their part) to become a real relationship. It has always been a one-sided thing. Is it really such a curse to be me?

You will read it here first that I have never had a serious relationship with a girl for twenty four years. Yes, since birth. Semi-dating, exclusively seeing each other, that’s always been the set-up. I wanted something more. I know it is very unlikely but yes I am craving for a certain degree of commitments. Maybe I’m getting old that’s why I am thinking about it lately. But marriage is not on my plans for at least the next three years. I just want a steady company- someone I can drag to the cinemas or join me in my run or in my other activities. God knows I have a constant need for attention and care like a baby. I have always look forward of meeting her in the firm or through it. Am I not ready?

But hey, don’t mind what I have just said. I am in dire need of a new job than a girlfriend. Well, unless the latter can provide me to pay my bills and my luxury.


This happened last Wednesday…

Me taking a self-portrait with my phone

Today marks my comeback to my so-called ‘healthy living’, that’s working out in the gym. The last time I’ve been in Fitness First was last July 1, a day before our Palawan trip. After that, I’ve been sick for days. Vomiting and uncontrolled bowel movements seemed to flush away all the muscles I’ve worked on. And it looks like I’ve really lost a lot of weight. And that’s bad ‘coz I’m on a build up program, not weight loss. So after a week of unwellness, my dad told me to take another week of rest and non-stop eating so that I can gain those mass that I’ve lost. Eating is probably the most pleasurable thing to do aside from sleeping and sex. I enjoyed bulking up but I don’t think I have gained enough.

Then lately, it felt like going back to the gym is a chore to me now and just another nonsense tiring activity. But after slacking for 2 days, I’ve finally went to the gym earlier. Man, I feel like a newbie. Though I can still run on the treadmill at an average of 9km+ per hour, my fate with machines was bad. I was having hard time lifting weights. I have to lower my usual weights by a level (around 5 pounds) to complete a set. And 1 hour of exercise/workout earlier seemed eternity. My muscles sore. I didn’t even tried free weights today. But I guess it’s just normal since my body is adjusting back to my usual gym routines.

However, what made my day extra special was not solely because of my ‘comeback’.

Five minutes or less before the clock strike seven, I received a text message from a girl (the same I was referring to in my previous blog) that she’ll be leaving the office at 8pm and asked what time I’ll be back. Hurriedly, I wrap up my last machine exercise and hit the showers. I asked her if I can join her to dinner since my best buddy, her boyfriend, left early to watch a basketball game. Again, I don’t see any harm eating out with her, since we’re friends too. Flirting? Maybe, but it’s more of a friendly gesture. Anyway, my shower took a little longer ‘coz I couldn’t adjust my shower to lukewarm. No matter how I would turn the shower, I always get the hot one, so hot it made the frosted glass door moist. When I got back to my locker, I received another message saying that she got bored in the office and that she’ll be going out earlier.

In an instant, I donned my pants without wearing any boxers (swear, I almost forgot to zip my fly) and put on my rubber shoes without any socks. I even forgot to blow dry my hair and combed it. The gym is about two blocks away from the office but it rained earlier making my sprint a bit dangerous. Still, I dashed my way to office. I’m lucky ‘coz the escalators in the underpass are still on. That lessened my effort of running.

Though I’ve just taken a shower, I feel a bit sweaty because of my sprint. Thank God the air conditioning in the office is still on. More to that, she’s still in her table. I went to her and asked if we can go now. We were packing up some stuff when my dad called me up. Actually it’s my mom who was in the other line telling me that they have already parked near at the back of our office. It is part of our family economics to fetch me in the office as often as possible to save on transpo expenses. My mom and I worked in the same city so my dad will just do some turns to reach me after picking up my mom in her office. I told them I’ll be there soon and ask if we can drop someone along our way. Though we usually take EDSA going home, we can pass via Buendia, her way home, as our option. They were ok with it.

After I hang up, I told her that my parents are already there to pick me up. I told her I will still join her for dinner but we have to dine out/ take it out. Then I asked her if I can bring her home. She hesitated but she agreed eventually.

We went to McDonalds where I treat her some meal and bought another for my parents. She wavered again ‘coz she’s shy to see my mom and dad. I told her it’s okay, they don’t mind and told her that she wasn’t the first person from the office I brought along a girl to my parents. The latter was a lie. She’s the first one from office. It was Clarysse, my best friend, the first girl I introduced to my parents but that was like ages ago and no one followed… ‘til her. I persuaded her to join us, then she accepted again.

Inside the car, I can feel my mom and my dad sensing her. She, on the other hand, is staring at my dad trying to check any resemblance. I told her I looked like my mom more. It was dark and she cannot verify. Anyway, we decided to eat while we were on our way. I tried to play around with her but I draw back when she mentioned my best bud’s name, her boyfriend. I tried to divert the topic but she’s able to redirect it back. But her discussion didn’t prosper. Now I know how to counter every time she’ll mention his name- only silence. =) We were near the street where she usually drops off from the bus. I told her we can drive through her apartment. She told me it’s okay to just drop her off in the bus station. It was too much, according to her, to bring her at their doors. We said our ‘goodbyes’ and ‘take cares’, then we left.

That was just a simple event but to me it was something. I hope it wouldn’t be the last time. She texted me saying thank you for the treat and the ride. I told her I’ll learn to drive a car soon, so that next time it’ll be just the two of us. She said she’ll wait for that. I feel delighted once again.

After the movie date, I swear I really don’t know what to do with the revived feeling. I acted normally and kept my silence about that tryst last Saturday. But somehow, my excitement occasionally escapes my control that I found myself telling stories to my officemates about the movie (just the movie) and caught myself smiling at times, reminiscent of my short-lived bliss. Then today happened. I don’t want to put colors with what we are doing but for someone like me, I couldn’t help but to picture more about us.


Am I climbing up just to fall down hard again? How can I avoid her when my flesh always want to catch a glimpse her? Make me over? Or collect more courage to really pursue her? I’m confuse but let me savor what happened tonight. I would just go with the flow. Hopefully, the rapids wouldn’t be as chaotic as it was before.

Now I know that I like her…

Last night’s movie date was probably the highlight of my relationship with this girl I’m crushing on for months now. Despite being just another unremarkable not worth recommending horror movie, I will move mountains and drain oceans just to see that movie. I wouldn’t trade that for anything in this world (unless if it is for God and family emergency). Not even for my sister’s birthday which was last night too. Yes, I skipped my sister’s birthday in the hopes of catching this movie with her. My sister would understand. It was our first movie date together, just the two of us, alone.

And she made it all worthy.

It was just another boring Saturday that made me slacking all day. Any plans I have for the day, including going to the office, were either moved or cancelled. The idleness was further justified when it rained hard in the afternoon. But that change after I received a text message from her confirming to our unplanned rendezvous for the night. My excitement rise and I find myself rejuvenated. I don’t know what gotten into me but I am damn enthusiastic to see her. And so I took my second bath that day and hurriedly fixed myself. All the way from Cavite, I went to Makati just to see her. No other reason to be there but to see her. And that’s more than enough for a reason. I rushed. I have to be quick and be in the mall early before she changes her mind- or before someone else prevents us from seeing each other.

Let me say first that this someone I have been crushing on is currently going out with my best bud in the office. Not really the best of friends, but we’re the last two guys from our batch that have stayed with the firm, so I guess we’re close. We’ve both known this girl years ago but it was only December of last year when we got closer with her.  Actually, at that time, I was more like an accomplice with my best bud’s plan of courting her. But along the way, I have gotten close to this someone and I’ve found myself drawn to her. I even tried to test the water. But as a silent rule among men not to betray each others trust, I have faithfully observed that rule as hard as I can. Then the time came, when my best bud and her go dating on a regular basis and became official boyfriend and girlfriend early March. I kept my distance just to avoid complications but remained friends with the two. I told myself and to others, who are bugging me about my real intentions with this someone, that I wouldn’t let any girl break my friendship with the guy I looked up to as my brother. But that was easier said than done… and when things get thorny, one just cannot help himself with the temptation easily.

The meeting was just a simple movie date between two friends. There was no harm in what we did ‘coz we’re like best friends too. We even call it each other some pet names. But she told me to keep mum about it ‘coz her boyfriend, my best bud, didn’t know about the tryst. According to her, it’s the first time that she didn’t mention her true whereabouts to him. Before the movie, we had dinner first and had some exchanges of thought of how our week was. It was only normal for us to talk about my best bud. I have lived with it but in reality, I’m really sick of that topic. I always wanted to keep him out of the subject when it’s just the two of us. I hate it when she tries to connect my stories with him. But what else can I do? Despite the numerous things we have in common, it’s him we consider our common denominator- my closest friend, her boyfriend.

We proceeded to catch the movie at around 8pm. I admit that I’m a nervous/jumpy guy and I easily get frightened off with anything suspenseful. Like my mom, I have never been a fan of the horror genre. So I was sort of sitting and leaning to my right where she was seated without malice whatsoever. And she was just seated upright. Then I found myself during the first minutes of the movie, scared off like a child. I would literally jump off my seat and occasionally hold her arms because of fright. She didn’t object. And though there were no wickedness in my intention of going out with her and getting close ‘physically’ with her, there’s something about dark and cold places like the movie house that let loose of any man’s flirting intuition. Towards the middle of the movie, it was getting more predictable and less scary (more of getting comic actually). But something in me was telling to put on the stunt of being scared. Then came a time when I realize that our arms were intertwined and I am grabbing her arms tightly and she’s doing the same to me. We were holding hands at one time. I even tried sitting slouchy to lean my head to her shoulder. But it was all innocent for her. I realized that I was crossing the line of our closeness- more of exploiting the circumstances. The last episode of the movie was so predictable to me and so I compose myself and just sit straight there without touching her physically. But it was her turned to get scared. It was her who is holding on to me now and she was like clinging to me tightly. I was reassuring her and my flirting instinct took over me… again. I thought the dark and the cold room of the movie house is starting to affect her too that’s why we found each other cuddling again. I swear people would mistake us as lovers with our actions. The movie ended two hours after. Yet I was still savoring the moment I have with her. I would occasionally gaze at her during the entirety of the movie and tell to myself I should have been his boyfriend. I never expected to feel her skin on mine. She wanted to have a round two of that movie and she doesn’t feel like going out. I wouldn’t want to end the night too. But we snapped back to reality as we found people leaving the area.

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Txt Msg 3

Sometimes we have to give up wonderful things just to make everything alright. We have to hurt alone for somebody to smile. We need to let those tears flow just to save the tears of others. We have to break our own hearts to fill somebody else’s emptiness. And there are times when we have to give up our own happiness just to rescue someone else’s burden.

Some call it martyrdom.

Some say it is stupidity.

But for me, it is as plain as unconditional love.

Image above was found here.